Turned on my SatNav and it said 'Bear Left' and there was the zoo. How good is that? Read More…

Something to offend everyone

 I'm not normally suspicious but the wife told me yesterday that Gavin from Autoglass came round and injected that special resin into her crack......................she hasn't even got a car!! 

I hate crushing pills up and putting them in my Aunt’s dinner. I feel sneaky, but if I ever got her pregnant I wouldn't be able to forgive myself. 

A little girl walks into her parents' bedroom.. 
" Holy F**k" she screams "And YOU want ME to see a doctor about sucking my thumb...!! b

Wee Irish boy crying by the side of the road. 
A man asks "What's wrong?" 
Boy says "Me Ma is dead" 
"Oh bejaysus" the man says "Do you want me to get Father O'Riley ?" 
Wee boy replies"No thanks Mister, sex is the last ting on me moind roight now.." 

*** Once upon a time a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" . The girl said "No" and she lived happily ever after. She went shopping, drank vodka with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had a wardrobe full of shoes and bags, stayed skinny and was never farted upon. The End. 

Just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people of the world. Told them to " F**k Off". Anyone who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!! 

Japanese scientists have now created a digital camera with such a fast speed that it's now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her gob shut. 

Turned on my SatNav and it said 'Bear Left' and there was the zoo. How good is that? 

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the train or bus and think " I'm f**king having that!" 

Man lost in a hot air balloon over Ireland . He looks down and sees a farmer and shouts to him, "Where am I?" 
The Irish farmer looks up and shouts back "You can't kid me ya b'stard, you're in that feckin basket!" 

Paddy is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He dials 999. 
Paddy says "It's my wife, I've accidentally shot her. I've killed her" 
Operator "Please calm down sir.. Can you first make sure she really is dead?" 
CLICK,BANG 
Paddy "OK, done that, what next?

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