Saturday, July 31, 2010

Never Lose Your Grandson!

Sent from my iPad

Begin forwarded message:

Never Lose Your Grandson!
A heartwarming story.

My small grandson got lost at the shopping mall..........

He approached a uniformed security guard and said,
"I've lost my grandpa!"

The guard asked, "What's his name?"

"Grandpa" the tyke replied

The guard smiled, then asked, "What's he like?"

The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"Jack Daniels whiskey, and women with big tits."


Posted via email from andjoh's posterous

Friday, July 30, 2010

Lateral Thinking

Sent from my iPad

Begin forwarded message:

Lateral Thinking

Lateral thinking is a term coined by Edward de Bono. He defines it as a technique of problem solving by approaching problems indirectly at diverse angles instead of concentrating on one approach at length.

Check out your lateral thinking prowess!

The first 4 images are the questions and the last four the answers.

Please do not look at the answers first, these are really good, try it out




Lateral Thinking

Lateral Thinking

Lateral Thinking

Lateral Thinking



Lateral Thinking

Lateral Thinking

Lateral Thinking

Lateral Thinking


Posted via email from andjoh's posterous

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Very cleverly put together

This is very good.



Have a read...

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100.

If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this;

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1
The sixth would pay $3
The seventh would pay $7
The eighth would pay $12
The ninth would pay $18
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59

So, that's what they decided to do..

The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with
the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve ball.

"Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to
reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20". Drinks for the ten men
would now cost just $80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes.

So the first four men were unaffected.

They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men - the paying customers?

How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share?

They realised that $20 divided by six is $3.33.
But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the
sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.

So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each
man's bill by a higher percentage the poorer he was, to  follow the
principle of the tax system they had been using, and he proceeded to
work out the amounts he suggested that each should now pay.

And so the fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% saving).

The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% saving).

The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28% saving).

The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% saving).

The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% saving).

The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% saving).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four
continued to drink for free. But, once outside the bar, the men began
to compare their savings.

"I only got a dollar out of the $20 saving," declared the sixth man.

He pointed to the tenth man,"but he got $10!"

"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a dollar
too. It's unfair that he got ten times more benefit than me!"

"That's true!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10 back,
when I got only $2? The wealthy get all the breaks!"

"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison, "we didn't get
anything at all. This new tax system exploits the poor!"

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine
sat down and had their beers without him. But when it came time to
pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have
enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and government ministers, is
how our tax system works.

The people who already pay the highest taxes will naturally get the
most benefit from a tax reduction..

Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may
not show up anymore.

In fact, they might start drinking overseas, where the atmosphere is
somewhat friendlier.

David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D.
Professor of Economics.

For those who understand, no explanation is needed.
For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.

Posted via email from andjoh's posterous

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

I want to be adopted by arabs now!!

Sent from my iPad

Subject: FW: I want to be adopted by arabs now!!

Click here to download:
cid:image002.jpg@01CB19F9.5A40AC10 (75 KB)

An Arab student sends an e-mail to his dad, saying:

Click here to download:
cid:image003.jpg@01CB19F9.5A40AC10 (69 KB)

Dear Dad 

Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really

like it here, but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive

at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB

when all my teachers and many fellow students

travel by train.

Your son, Nasser

The next day, Nasser gets a reply to his e-mail

from his dad:

My dear loving son

Twenty million US Dollar has just been transferred to your account. Now please stop embarrassing us & go and get yourself a train too.

Click here to download:
cid:image004.jpg@01CB19F9.5A40AC10 (11 KB)

Love, your Dad


Posted via email from andjoh's posterous

Smartest man In The World

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. 

Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. 

Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. 

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live." 

He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. 

You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. 

Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. 

The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."

Posted via email from andjoh's posterous

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Picture: Crazy EX GF | Q-Wreck Presents: The Wreck!

: How to open a bottle without a corkscrew - brilliant!

Just listen for your name ;)

Begin forwarded message:

Subject: FW: : How to open a bottle without a corkscrew - brilliant!

How to open a bottle without a corkscrew - invaluable information!!

This video is not a joke, it really shows you how it can be done,
really simple and easy.


Posted via email from andjoh's posterous

Will joolya foolya?

Sent from my iPad

Begin forwarded message:

Subject: FW: Will joolya foolya?


Click here to download:
gillard_cartoon (5 KB)

The Sussex St. union thugs, who have proven they have little regard for Australia, will sell us anything, so long as they can con the gullible voter and win another victory in order to continue

WRECKING AUSTRALIA and treating us like second class citizens.

Higher taxes



More rorts and stuff-ups, i.e…

The insulation disaster and Julia’s own debacle the BER rorts…

 "She can execute a prime minister but she can't execute a government program,"

Julia will put on her make-up, do her eyes, get her boyfriend to fix her hair and get out there to the cameras. She will talk, and talk, and promise, and talk: but be

 assured of one thing - She’s not going to be tested on anything! The same leftist media and political commentators who promoted Rudd and gave him an

 armchair ride, will do exactly the same for Julia Gillard. While she is still on her political honeymoon, she will go to an election Untested!! Well, we all know the

 rest because we’ve all been there before…She’s exactly the same person who signed off on all Rudd’s policies and schemes for nearly four years…

with the very same Wayne Swan!

Despite inheriting a $20 billion surplus, zero net debt and $60 billion in the Future Fund, Labor is delivering:

·         $78.5 billion of net debt in 2010-11 – $3,500 per person

·         $4.6 billion of interest paid on net debt in 2010-11 - $205 for every Australian (and it will get worse)

·         A Budget deficit of $40.8 billion in 2010-11 (the biggest deficit since World War II)

·         To fund its reckless and wasteful spending, Labor needs to borrow more than $100 million every day!!

Be very, very cautious of this new PM. To understand her agenda and modus operandi, you need to know her background, her enduring commitment to the

Fabian movement, and her lifelong passion for Socialism.  Go study the history, the background, of this person. Go read about what Fabianism is, how it

performs and behaves. Beware of anything she and her band of cronies have to say. The PM’s orders come from two sources - Trades Hall, and the

 Fabian Society.

She will tell the swinging voters precisely what it is they want to hear so they’ll vote for her. Then, over the months and years that follow, we’ll

 slowly start to discover (because the Leftist press will do its utmost to keep a lid on things) that the government is doing something else entirely. 


After the election it’ll be back to 'normal' for Labor should they win another gig.
“Whatever it takes”: Graham Richardson
“When we get in we’ll change everything”: Peter Garrett.

Labor has put fresh icing on a mouldy cake, but it will not camouflage the taste”

Same trough - different pig; just that this one wears lipstick!

Click here to download:
images (4 KB)

If you agree with this please pass it on. If you don’t agree, you are an ostrich!!

Posted via email from andjoh's posterous

Saturday, July 24, 2010

US oil spill - Refuse Dutch Vessel assistance

I didn't want to post this incase it was a hoax, but doing a bing search for Dutch US Oil Spill returned plenty of results as for backing up this Post.

Begin forwarded message:

Subject: FW: US    oil spill


 I suggest everyone read this    

  Definetly  a must read !!!!!!   This was sent to me by a very "KNOWLEDGEABLE" friend in the USA.

It is absolutely sickening and heartbreaking to learn about this! 

 How can we get rid of these @#$%!! cocky and incompetent jerks in government??  




Avertible catastrophe
Lawrence Solomon, Financial Post · Saturday, Jun. 26, 2010

Some are attuned to the possibility of looming catastrophe and know how to head it off. Others are unprepared for risk and even unable to get their priorities straight when risk turns to reality.

The Dutch fall into the first group. Three days after the BP oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico began on April 20, the Netherlands offered the U.S. government ships equipped to handle a major spill, one much larger than the BP spill that then appeared to be underway. "Our system can handle 400 cubic metres per hour," Weird Koops, the chairman of Spill Response Group Holland, told Radio Netherlands Worldwide, giving each Dutch ship more cleanup capacity than all the ships that the U.S. was then employing in the Gulf to combat the spill.

To protect against the possibility that its equipment wouldn't capture all the oil gushing from the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico, the Dutch also offered to prepare for the U.S. a contingency plan to protect Louisiana's marshlands with sand barriers. One Dutch research institute specializing in deltas, coastal areas and rivers, in fact, developed a strategy to begin building 60-mile-long sand dikes within three weeks.

The Dutch know how to handle maritime emergencies. In the event of an oil spill, The Netherlands government, which owns its own ships and high-tech skimmers, gives an oil company 12 hours to demonstrate it has the spill in hand. If the company shows signs of unpreparedness, the government dispatches its own ships at the oil company's expense. "If there's a country that's experienced with building dikes and managing water, it's the Netherlands," says Geert Visser, the Dutch consul general in Houston.

In sharp contrast to Dutch preparedness before the fact and the Dutch instinct to dive into action once an emergency becomes apparent, witness the American reaction to the Dutch offer of help. The U.S. government responded with "Thanks but no thanks," remarked Visser, despite BP's desire to bring in the Dutch equipment and despite the no-lose nature of the Dutch offer --the Dutch government offered the use of its equipment at no charge. Even after the U.S. refused, the Dutch kept their vessels on standby, hoping the Americans would come round. By May 5, the U.S. had not come round. To the contrary, the U.S. had also turned down offers of help from 12 other governments, most of them with superior expertise and equipment --unlike the U.S., Europe has robust fleets of Oil Spill Response Vessels that sail circles around their make-shift U.S. counterparts.

Why does neither the U.S. government nor U.S. energy companies have on hand the cleanup technology available in Europe? Ironically, the superior European technology runs afoul of U.S. environmental rules. The voracious Dutch vessels, for example, continuously suck up vast quantities of oily water, extract most of the oil and then spit overboard vast quantities of nearly oil-free water. Nearly oil-free isn't good enough for the U.S. regulators, who have a standard of 15 parts per million -- if water isn't at least 99.9985% pure, it may not be returned to the Gulf of Mexico.

When ships in U.S. waters take in oil-contaminated water, they are forced to store it. As U.S. Coast Guard Admiral Thad Allen, the official in charge of the clean-up operation, explained in a press briefing on June 11, "We have skimmed, to date, about 18 million gallons of oily water--the oil has to be decanted from that [and] our yield is usually somewhere around 10% or 15% on that." In other words, U.S. ships have mostly been removing water from the Gulf, requiring them to make up to 10 times as many trips to storage facilities where they off-load their oil-water mixture, an approach Koops calls "crazy."
The Americans, overwhelmed by the catastrophic consequences of the BP spill, finally relented and took the Dutch up on their offer -- but only partly. Because the U.S. didn't want Dutch ships working the Gulf, the U.S. airlifted the Dutch equipment to the Gulf and then retrofitted it to U.S. vessels. And rather than have experienced Dutch crews immediately operate the oil-skimming equipment, to appease labour unions the U.S. postponed the clean-up operation to allow U.S. crews to be trained.

A catastrophe that could have been averted is now playing out. With oil increasingly reaching the Gulf coast, the emergency construction of sand berns to minimize the damage is imperative. Again, the U.S. government priority is on U.S. jobs, with the Dutch asked to train American workers rather than to build the berns. According to Floris Van Hovell, a spokesman for the Dutch embassy in Washington, Dutch dredging ships could complete the berms in Louisiana twice as fast as the U.S. companies awarded the work. "Given the fact that there is so much oil on a daily basis coming in, you do not have that much time to protect the marshlands," he says, perplexed that the U.S. government could be so focussed on side issues with the entire Gulf Coast hanging in the balance.

Then again, perhaps he should not be all that perplexed at the American tolerance for turning an accident into a catastrophe. When the Exxon Valdez oil tanker accident occurred off the coast of Alaska in 1989, a Dutch team with clean-up equipment flew in to Anchorage airport to offer their help. To their amazement, they were rebuffed and told to go home with their equipment. The Exxon Valdez became the biggest oil spill disaster in U.S. history--until the BP Gulf spill.


- Lawrence Solomon is executive director of Energy Probe and author of The Deniers.





Posted via email from andjoh's posterous

Betty White - Facebook on Saturday Night Live

Betty White from the 80's sitcom Golden Girls comment about FaceBook on the US long running comedy hour show, Saturday Night Live. 

Sent using CLIPish iPad App.

Download now or watch on posterous
20c4546d.3gp (813 KB)

Sent from my iPad

Posted via email from andjoh's posterous

Friday, July 23, 2010

A Curious Fact

I found this fact and thought you might find it interesting:

400 Quarter Pounders can be made from 1 cow.

This fact and many more can be found in the Curious Facts for the Factual Intellectual application in the App Store now!

Sent from my iPad

Posted via email from andjoh's posterous

A Curious Fact

There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

This fact and many more can be found in the Curious Facts for the Factual Intellectual application in the App Store now!

Sent from my iPad

Posted via email from andjoh's posterous

A Curious Fact

I found this fact and thought you might find it interesting:

The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because, when the building was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

This fact and many more can be found in the Curious Facts for the Factual Intellectual application in the App Store now!

Sent from my iPad

Posted via email from andjoh's posterous

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Meet Marvin

Begin forwarded message:

Subject: FW: Meet Marvin

Meet Marvin, men's answer to Maxine

Men strike back! 

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None.... It should be opened when she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat
 a really bad place to pick up a woman? 
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine 
Will probably never be able to support you. 
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows 
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when
 a woman is about to say something 
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...' 
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? 

The dog, of course He'll shut up once you let him in. 
-- --------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's 
Sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives? 

They want to. 
Women will never be equal to men 
 they can walk down the street with a bald head 
And a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and 

To the select few women who can handle it! 
AND MAXINE SAYS............'MARVIN'...

Maxine just had to have the last word.

Posted via email from andjoh's posterous

Why Canadians Need Heated Seats

Begin forwarded message:

Subject: FW: Why Canadians Need Heated Seats


Download now or watch on posterous
Canadiancar_1.mpeg (2436 KB)

Posted via email from andjoh's posterous

Cure for snoring

Sent from my iPad 

Subject: FW: Cure for snoring


Six blokes go on a hunting trip.
Their tents only have room for two men in each.
No one wanted to sleep in the same tent as BUNDY because he snored so badly.

They decided it wasn't fair for just one of them to share with

Bundy the whole time, so they decided to take turns.
The first bloke to sleep in Bundy's tent comes to breakfast the next
morning with his hair a mess and his eyes bloodshot.
His mates ask, 'Crikey, what happened?'
He answers, "Bundy snored so loudly,

 I just sat up and watched him all night.'

The next night it was a different bloke's turn.
The following morning, same thing, his hair is all standing up and his
eyes are bloodshot.
His mates ask, 'Gees, what happened to you? You look awful!'
He says, 'Bloody Bundy shakes the roof.

 I just sat and watched him all
night, I couldn't sleep.'

The third night was Frank's turn.
Frank was a big, burly, ex-footballer; a man's man.
The next morning he comes to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
'Good morning,' he says cheerfully.
His mates can't believe it.
They ask, 'Blimey, what happened?'
Frank says, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bundy into
bed and kissed him good night.
Then he sat up and watched me all night  

Posted via email from andjoh's posterous

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Ralph and Edna - too funny not to share!

Sent from my iPad

Begin forwarded message:


Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and
Edna were both patients in a mental hospital One day while they  were walking past the hospital swimming pool   Ralph suddenly
jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there..

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged  from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good  news and bad news.. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping  in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded  that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..
How soon can I go home?'

Happy Mental Health Day!

You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to an unstable friend...

Done my part

Do your best because someone is always watching.

Posted via email from andjoh's posterous

Let's Offend Everybody

Sent from my iPad

Begin forwarded message:

Subject: FW: Let's Offend Everybody

OH! HELL!!! ... Let's Offend Everybody!

Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.  

Q.  Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A.   A different bar.  

Q.  What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?
A.  Sum Ting Wong  

Q.  What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A.     A speech impediment.    

Q.  Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
A.     Because they're not going to work in the future either.  

Q.  Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?
A.  Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.  

Q.  What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A.  The southern zoo has a description of the animal ... along with a recipe.  

Q.  How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?
A.    Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'  

Q.  What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale???
A.   A northern fairytale begins, ...'Once upon a time...'  
      A southern fairytale begins, ... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.'

Q.   Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A.      Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump, or swim are already in the United States

Posted via email from andjoh's posterous

Wrote in Her FaceBook

It were words stuck in my head one night and unbelievably I wrote them down the following day in mid March 2010. I wanted to do more so got Alex, Apples OS X Speech to read the words out and then placed them into GarageBand to be multi-tracked with some kind of backing. The first attempt was shocking and rediscovering this today I tried again and came up with this more of a Poem then a song. Not sure where my thoughts came from at the time though just maybe the FaceBook phenomenon and perhaps the privacy issues. So enjoy or not enjoy.

Download now or listen on posterous
Wrote in her FaceBook.m4a (4422 KB)


Posted via email from andjoh's posterous

Monday, July 19, 2010


Begin forwarded message:





Download now or watch on posterous
linksmi_paveikskiukai.wmv (3941 KB)

Posted via email from andjoh's posterous


This is an old one but still true today. 

Sent from my iPad

Begin forwarded message:


For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.' 

In response to Bill ' s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: 

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part): 

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........Twice a day. 

2.. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car. 

3... Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this. 

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. 

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light. 

I love the next one!!! 

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying. 

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. 

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off. 

PS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call 'customer service' in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!

Posted via email from andjoh's posterous

Let's go swimming in Guyana... and you thought sharks were bad!!!!

Sent from my iPad

Begin forwarded message:

Subject: FW: Let's go swimming in Guyana... and you thought sharks were bad!!!!

One reason why I have no desire to go for a swim in Guyana

World Record Size Piranha.........

That is nothing but Teeth with a digestive tract

Posted via email from andjoh's posterous