Wednesday, June 29, 2011

BREAKING NEWS - MESSAGE FROM H.R.H. THE QUEEN !

andjoh is not the author of this document and does not take any of its material being truthful or false but only posting this as a means of entertainment and not in-forcing anything but admit that some of this should be ruled, enjoy ;)
MESSAGE FROM, H.R.H. THE QUEEN




To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
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1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English.. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist,then you're not ready to shoot grouse..
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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
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11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies)... 
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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
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13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!
PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)

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Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Poor dog looking for Good Home ?

My house was broken into last night. My watchdog, who was preoccupied at the time did not alert me, and for this reason I am giving him away.
I no longer want a dog - I´m installing an electric fence and detection devices with alarms. They´re cheaper and more reliable.  For those interested in adopting
the dog please send an e-mail.
A photo of the dog is attached below.

  

  

Image

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Saturday, June 18, 2011

medical secretaries - National Health Service, Greater Glasgow

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Sent from my Nokia phone

------Original message------
From: Beverley Munro-Lynch
Date: Friday, June 17, 2011 5:04:40 AM GMT+0000
Subject: FW: medical secretaries - National Health Service, Greater Glasgow


These are sentences exactly as typed by medical secretaries
in NHS (National Health Service) Greater Glasgow:

1. The patient has no previous history of suicide.

2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.

10. Healthy-appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.


27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

31.. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

32. The patient was to have a bowel resection.. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.


For the sake of your health - stay away from hospital!

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Monday, June 13, 2011

Waves of Hawaii...like you have never seen before!!

The Waves of Hawaii -

 

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Waimea Bay shore-break surfing pioneer, husband, and father of two, Clark Little has gained nationwide recognition for his photography with appearances on Good Morning America, Inside Edition, and many local news stations across the U.S.


Clark Little on Good Morning America (2009):


It all started in 2007 when Clark 's wife wanted a nice piece of art to decorate a wall.


Voluntarily, Clark grabbed a camera, jumped in the water, and starting snapping away capturing the beauty and power of monstrous Hawaiian waves from the inside out.


" Clark 's view" is a unique view of the ocean that most will only

Be able to experience safely on land while studying one of Clark 's photos.

Now with a camera upgrade and an itch to get that better shot, Clark has taken this on full time and has moved his office from land, to the inside of a barrel.

Since the recent stir of Clark 's work, his images have been run

On the Today Show, ABC World News Now, Nature's Best Photography, Paris Match (France), La Vie (France), Hana Hou (Hawaiian Airlines) magazine, Surfer magazine, Surfer's Journal

As well as multiple publishers and newspapers in the U.S. And overseas.

These incredible images of waves in the Hawaiian Islands were taken by Clark Little, the number one photographer of surf.


He is dedicated to photographing the waves and has published a selection of his best images.


He captures magical moments inside the tube as surfers say.

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Sun glints off  wave
Clark Little/SWNS

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Sand in surf
Clark Little/SWNS
This shot captures sand from the ocean's floor being swept up by a monstrous wave and resembles a sandstorm.


Little calls it the Sandmonster.


There were clouds of sand ten feet high and I'm standing there.
I'm holding on to my camera and my trigger as long as I can.
Then I have to jump into the cloud of sand to try to get out of danger's way.


His fans pay as much as $4,000 for his gorgeous photos.


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Tubular shining
Clark Little/SWNS


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Beach - surf crashes down
Clark Little/SWNS


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Molten liquid gold
Clark Little/SWNS


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White tumultuous water
Clark Little/SWNS

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Splash - stunning shot
Clark Little/SWNS


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Red mysterious shot
Clark Little/SWNS


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Break - wave crashes down
Clark Little/SWNS


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Beauty - water drops
Clark Little/SWNS


This shot is his favorite.


With a high shutter speed he caught the brilliant fanned effect of two waves  intersecting each other and throwing out this beautiful fan of water.


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South African house where security is paramount ... (pics)

Animal motivations (amazing animal pics)