Hello, my name is Billy and I suffer from guilt for not forwarding 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe, if you send them on, a poor six-year-old girl in Scotland with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a travelling freak show. And, do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give $1000 to you, and everyone to whom you send 'his' email?How stupid are we?Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by a model I just happen to run into the next day! What a bunch of bullshit.Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomise me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was started by St Peter in 5 AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrim stowaways on the Endeavour. Fuck 'em!!If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing.I've seen all the 'send this to 10 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being' forwards about 90 times. I don't fucking care. Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's our own unpopularity.The point being?If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's funny, send it on.Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to the arse of a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this email. Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.Have a nice day.
Billy ConnollyP.S. Send me 15 quid and then fuck off.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
"Class, today's assignment is to spell and
use the word 'DOUGH' in a sentence."
"Jane, you go first..."
"Dough, D O U G H, Italians make pizza with dough."
Very good, Jane... now let's hear from Mary. "Dough, D O U G H,
My brother makes things with play dough."
do you have something to add?"
My mom says my dad doesn't make enough dough,
and he's so bad in bed
she uses a dill dough."
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Dublin about midnight
Paddy phones an ambulance because Micks been hit by a car.Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I tink both his legs are broken.'Operator: 'What is your location sir?'
Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street ...'
Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?'
Silence and after a minute.Operator: 'Are you there sir?'Silence and a minute later.Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me?'
This goes on for another few minutes until .................Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?'
Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat. I just dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street .....'
IDIOT SIGHTING NO. 1 My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a £5 note. Our total was £4.20, so I also handed her a 20 pence piece. She said, 'You gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.'
She sighed and went to get the Manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry but we do not do that kind of thing.'
The clerk then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change.. Do not confuse the clerks at MacDonald's. IDIOT SIGHTING NO. 2We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a moment, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two..' We haven't used Garagedoor repair since. Happened in Moor Park , near Watford .IDIOT SIGHTING NO. 3I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the Highways Department to request the removal of the 'DEER CROSSING' sign on our road.The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars on this stretch of road! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
Story from Potters Bar, Hertfordshire.
IDIOT SIGHTING NO. 4My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried Chicken and ordered a Taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had Iceberg Lettuce.From South Oxhey , Hertfordshire.IDIOT SIGHTING NO. 5I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'Happened at Luton Airport.IDIOT SIGHTING NO. 6The traffic light on the corner buzzes when it's on red and safe to cross the road. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged friend of mine.
She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'She is a Local County Council employee in Harrow , Middlesex.IDIOT SIGHTING NO. 7When my husband and I arrived at our local Ford dealer to pick up our Car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the Service Department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the Driver's door.As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door Handle and discovered that it was unlocked.'Hey,' I announced to the Fitter/Mechanic, 'its open!'His reply: 'I know. I already did that side.'This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans , Hertfordshire.STAY ALERT!They walk among us...
Friday, September 24, 2010
A police cycle cop stops a driver for running a red light.
The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer
demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation.
The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry,
sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When he gets done with writing the ticket he puts an "AH"
in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket.
He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature.
The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH"
and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"
Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has such a bad driving record
he is about to lose his license and has hired a lawyer to represent him.
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.
Under cross examination the defence attorney asks; "Officer is this a
reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes sir, that is the defendants copy,
his signature and mine, same number at the top.
Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation
on this ticket you don't normally make?"
Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."
Lawyer: "What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
Officer: "Aggressive and hostile Sir."
Lawyer: "Aggressive and hostile?"
Officer: "Yes Sir?
Lawyer: "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?"
Officer: "Well sir, you know your client better than I do!
I went to Bunnings recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to s**t yourself' road-kill chilli. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.
Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Bunnings, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the den. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.
Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, Shit, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chilli from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odour might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odour so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .......BIG mistake!!!!!
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.
Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'
My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.
Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chilli, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter.
Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.
Let's put the seniors in jail and the criminals in a nursing home. This way the seniors would have access to showers, hobbies, and walks. They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs, etc., and they'd receive money instead of paying it out..They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly if they fell or needed assistance. Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell. They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose. They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool, and education.Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request. Private, secure rooms for all, with an outdoor exercise yard and gardens.Each senior could have a PC, a TV, a radio, and daily phone calls. There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised, lights off at 8 pm, and showers once a week. They would live in a tiny room, pay £2500 per month, and have no hope of ever getting out.Justice for all.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
A young couple moves into a new neighbourhood.
The next morning while they are eating breakfast,
The young woman sees her neighbour hanging the wash outside.
"That laundry is not very clean", she said.
"She doesn't know how to wash correctly.
Perhaps she needs better laundry soap."
Her husband looked on, but remained silent.
Every time her neighbour would hang her wash to dry,
The young woman would make the same comments.
About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a
Nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband:
"Look, she has learned how to wash correctly.
I wonder who taught her this."
The husband said, "I got up early this morning and
Cleaned our windows."
And so it is with life. What we see when watching others
Depends on the purity of the window through which we look.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
>A 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud man, who is fully dressed each
>morning by eight o'clock, with his hair fashionably coifed and shaved
>perfectly, even though he is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today.
>His wife of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary. After
>many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, he smiled
>sweetly when told his room was ready.
>As he maneuvered his walker to the elevator, I provided a visual
>of his tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on his
>"I love it," he stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just
>been presented with a new puppy.
>"Mr. Jones, you haven't seen the room; just wait."
>"That doesn't have anything to do with it," he replied.
>"Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room
>or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged ... it's how I
>arrange my mind. I already decided to love it. "It's a decision I make
>morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed
>recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer
>work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do.
>Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open, I'll focus on the new day
>and all the happy memories I've stored away. Just for this time in my life.
>Old age is like a bank account. You withdraw from what you've put in.
>So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank
>account of memories! Thank you for your part in filling my Memory bank. I
>still depositing." Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
>1. Free your heart from hatred.
>2. Free your mind from worries.
>3 Live simply.
>4.. Give more.
>5. Expect less.
>Pass this message to 7 people except me.. You will receive a miracle
>Now, STOP! Did you hear what I just said. You WILL receive a miracle
>tomorrow. So send it right now.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Flickr Hits Its 5 Billionth Photo, And Here It Is
http://techcrunch.com/2010/09/18/flickr-5-billionth-photo/(Sent from Flipboard)
Driver's License - too cute not to forward
A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date. ' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?' 'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied..
'It's not polite.' 'OK', the little girl says,
'How much do you weigh?' 'Now really,' the mother says,
'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.' Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?' 'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!' The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. ' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend. 'Well,' says the friend,
'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.' Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
'I know how old you are. You are 32.' The mother is surprised and asks,
'How did you find that out? 'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.' The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?' 'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,
'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.' 'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why? 'Because you got an "F" in sex.'If you see someone without a smile today give them yours
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Digging up history
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Melbourne scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Victorians, in the weeks that followed, a Sydney archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the Sydney Morning Herald read:
"New South Wales archaeologists, finding traces of 130-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 30 years earlier than the Victorians".
One week later, The Advertiser in Adelaide, South Australia, reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Gawler, South Australia, John Brown, a self-taught archaeologist,reported that he found absolutely f### all. John has therefore concluded that 150 years ago, South Australia had already gone wireless."
Just makes you bloody proud to be a South Aussie!
The Australian Government and the NSW Forestry Service were presenting an alternative to NSW sheep farmers for controlling the dingo population.
It seems that after years of the sheep farmers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the Labor Government (Peter Garrett - Environmental Minister),
the NSW Forestry Service and the Greens tree-huggers had a 'more humane' solution.
What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males would then be castrated and let loose again. Therefore the population would be controlled.
This was ACTUALLY proposed to the NSW Sheep farmers Association and Farming Association by the Federal Government and the NSW Forestry Service.
All of the sheep farmers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally, one of the old boys in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, 'Mr Garrett, son, I don't think you understand our problem. Those dingo's ain't fuckin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em.'
You should have been there to hear the roar of laughter as Mr Peter Garrett and the members of the NSW Forestry Service , the Greens and the other "tree huggers" left the meeting very "sheepishly".
GOOD, BETTER, BEST
A cop from the Vic Police was watching for speeders, but wasn't getting many.
Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD.'
The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money
(And we used to just sell lemonade!)BETTER
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through a speed camera radar near Dalby with a Fine of $160 included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $160.
The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.BEST
A young woman was pulled over for speeding.
As a NSW Policeman walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, 'I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Policemen's Ball.'
He replied, 'New South Wales Police don't have balls.'
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said.
He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.
She was laughing too hard to start her car.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm.
It was a disaster! Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!
------------ --------- --------oOo- -----------
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whisky. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink. He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!" Paddy handed his drink back and said "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!" ------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------
Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.The operator asks "How many people are flying with you?" Paddy replies "I don't know! It’s your bloody plane!"
------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- - Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off,
I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"
He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts "I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!" Murphy watches in amazement! The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home" So he leaves the site. Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well. "Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman."I can't work in the dark!" says Murphy.
------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------
Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on".
------------ --------- --------oOo- ------------------ -
Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says
"You know what I want, don't you?"
"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole bed by the looks of it!"
------------ --------- --------oOo- ---------
Q. What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guinness got in common? A. A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!
-------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -
Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U...S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!
------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------
Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her. A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!" ------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------
Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off. He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do?" Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"
------------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -
Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. "Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!" --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -
Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick says "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!" Paddy says "What's his name?" Mick replies "Miles, from London !"
Sunday, September 12, 2010
The Meaty Bites Diet
I've got 2 dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Coles and was standing in line at the check-out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food.
I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my dick and a car hit me. I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door. Stupid bitch...why else would I buy dog food??
Subject: Climate Change - Are You Sitting Down?Finally!!! Someone telling it like it is. What do you reckon about this?
All of you out there across the globe who have fought so hard to tackle the hideous enemy of our planet, namely carbon emissions, you know .....that bogus god you worship of "Climate Change" or "Global Warming" ......well, I feel it is necessary to inform you of some bad news. It really does pain me to have to bring you this disappointing information.Are you sitting down?Okay, here's the bombshell. The current volcanic eruption going on in Iceland, since its first spewing of volcanic ash has, in just FOUR DAYS, NEGATED EVERY SINGLE EFFORT you have made in the past five years to control CO2 emissions on our planet - all of you.Of course you know about this evil carbon dioxide that we are trying to suppress - it's that vital chemical compound that every plant requires to live and grow and to synthesise into oxygen for us humans and all animal life.I know, I know.... (group hug)...it's very disheartening to realise that all of the carbon emission savings you have accomplished while suffering the inconvenience and expense of: driving Prius hybrids, buying fabric grocery bags, sitting up till midnight to finish your kid's "The Green Revolution" science project, throwing out all of your non-green cleaning supplies, using only two squares of toilet paper, putting a brick in your toilet tank reservoir, selling your SUV and speedboat, vacationing at home instead of Bali, nearly getting hit every day on your bicycle, replacing all of your $1 light bulbs with $10 light bulbs ...well, all of those things you have done have all gone down the tubes in just four days.The volcanic ash emitted into the Earth's atmosphere in just four days - yes - FOUR DAYS ONLY by that volcano in Iceland, has totally erased every single effort you have made to reduce the evil beast, carbon. And there are around 200 active volcanoes on the planet spewing out this crud any one time - EVERY DAY.Oh, I don't really want to rain on your parade too much, but I should mention that when the volcano Mt Pinatubo erupted in the Philippines in 1991, it spewed out more greenhouse gases into the atmosphere than the entire human race had emitted in its entire 40 MILLION YEARS on earth. Yes folks, Mt Pinatubo was active for over one year - think about it.Of course I shouldn't spoil this touchy-feely tree-hugging moment and mention the effect of solar and cosmic activity and the well-recognised 800-year global heating and cooling cycle, which keep happening, despite our completely insignificant efforts to affect climate change.I'm so sorry. And I do wish I had a silver lining to this volcanic ash cloud but the fact of the matter is that the bush fire season across the western USA and Australia this year alone will negate your efforts to reduce carbon in our world for the next two to three years. And it happens every year.Just remember that your government just tried to impose a whopping carbon tax on you on the basis of the bogus "human-caused" climate change scenario.Hey, isn't it interesting how they don't mention "Global Warming" any more, but just "Climate Change" - you know why? It's because the planet has COOLED by 0.7 degrees in the past century and these global warming bullshit artists got caught with their pants down.And just keep in mind that now the same government is in control, you will have an Emissions Trading Scheme - that whopping new tax - imposed on you, that will achieve absolutely nothing except make you poorer. It won't stop any volcanoes from erupting, that's for sure!
> Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses £500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.
> > Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
> Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"
> They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one.
> > They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
> "Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."
> Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door.
> > Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.
> > Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost £500 playing poker, and is afraid to come home."
> "Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.
> "I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.
> > ************ ********* ********* ******
> > Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
> > His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.
> "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
> "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
> "That little O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
> "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
> "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"
> "That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight."
> > ********* ********* ********* *******
> > > A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
> The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.
> Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
> The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Article: New iPad (iPad 2) to Come Late This Year with FaceTime Support [Apple Rumored to Release Next-gen iPad Earlier Than Expected, by Christmas 2010] » TFTS – Technology, Gadgets & Curiosities
New iPad (iPad 2) to Come Late This Year with FaceTime Support [Apple Rumored to Release Next-gen iPad Earlier Than Expected, by Christmas 2010] » TFTS – Technology, Gadgets & Curiosities
http://news.google.com/news/url?fd=R&sa=t&url=http%3A%2F%2Fnexus404.com%2FBlog%2F2010%2F09%2F11%2Fnew-ipad-ipad-2-to-come-late-this-year-with-facetime-support-apple-rumored-to-release-next-gen-ipad-earlier-than-expected-by-christmas-2010%2F&usg=AFQjCNH78QHFN21cq0qgZ7RCiR_2svIR2g(Sent from Flipboard)
Crane Operator needed urgently!!
Kulula is a low-cost South-African airline that doesn't take itself too seriously.
Check out their new livery!
Subject: From the cockpit on KULULA.COM - South Africa's Budget Airline
WHAT A PITY KULULA DOESN'T FLY INTERNATIONALLY - WE SHOULD SUPPORT THEM IF ONLY FOR THEIR HUMOUR - SO TYPICALLY SOUTH AFRICAN.Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg .Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety
lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:--------------------------------------------------------------------On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where
you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!" ---o0o---On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot
said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be
turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance
the appearance of your flight attendants." ----o0o---On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we'd like to have." ----o0o---"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane." ---o0o---"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride." ---o0o---As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!" ---o0o---After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a
flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening
the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, everything has shifted." ---o0o---From a Kulula employee: " Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised." ---o0o---"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your
face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one
small child, pick your favourite." ---o0o---Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines." ----o0o---"Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments." ---o0o--- "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.." ---o0o---And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlines is
pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in
the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!" ---o0o---Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town : The
flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump
and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the
airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt." ---o0o---Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!" ---o0o---Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." ---o0o---An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers
exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline. He said
that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said,
"Did we land, or were we shot down?" ---o0o---After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal." ---o0o---Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank
you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next time you get the
insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways." ---o0o---Heard on a Kulula flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke,
the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing. If you can light
'em, you can smoke 'em." ---o0o---A plane was taking off from Durban Airport . After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from Durban to Cape Town , The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOODNESS!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger then yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"