CHECK THIS OUT…….“STRIPTEASE”FUNNY
This is one of the most technically advanced video clips I have seen.
Click on the link below.
Working For the Council
A bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office.The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"He replies, "Yes, caffeine.""Have you ever worked for the public service before?""Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost both of my testicles".The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to take you on right away.
Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm....but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am - and carry on
starting at 10.00am every day."The bloke is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm, why don't you want me here
until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any special treatment y'know""What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the interviewer says, "For the first two hours,
we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. There's no point in you coming in for that
A couple were going out for the evening.
They'd got ready, all dolled up, but just needed to put the dog out when the taxi arrives. However as the couple walked out of the house, the dog shoots back in the house. They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty, explains to the taxi driver: 'He's just going upstairs to say good-night to my mother.' A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long' he says. 'Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her arse downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again!' The silence in the cab was deafening.
Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me." The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is. Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!"The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge !" The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
Riddle: You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.
On your right is a sharp drop off, on your left is an elephant travelling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo & your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this HIGHLY DANGEROUS SITUATION?
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GET YOUR DRUNK ARSE OFF THE MERRY-GO-ROUND
An interesting fact about October 2010:
This OCT. has:5 Fridays;5 Saturdays; and5 Sundays, all in 1 month!It happens once in 823 years. These are considered money bags months. Pass
them to 8 good people and money will appear. Based on Chinese fengshui.
Whoever stops this will experience none
We have to stop cutting down trees.
This is getting serious..
A Northern Territory farm hand (An Aboriginal) radios back to the farm manager.'Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the Ute.
The pig's OK, but he's stuck in the bull bars at the front of my Ute
And is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out.'The manager says,'Ok, there's a ....303Rifle behind the seat.
Take it; shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him.'Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, 'I did what you said
Boss. Took the 303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the
Bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on'.'Now what's the problem?' raged the Manager.'Well boss, it's his motorbike. The flashing blue light is stuck
Under the right-front wheel arch.'You there Boss?'
This is the car that in 1954 could have "killed" the Corvette.....so, Chevrolet, being GMs big sales and profit Division, campaigned to GM to "kill" this car.
When Chevy was coming out with its 6-cyl. sports car with its 2-speed "Powerglide" transmission and side curtains here was a sports car from Olds with a big old V-8 and power windows.
So, GM said no to Oldsmobile on building this car...........
The world's rarest automobile. A 1954 concept old's Rocket F88 - the only one in existence. (read the story below) John S. Hendricks, (Discovery Communications founder) paid in excess of 3 million to acquire1954 Oldsmobile F-88 Convertible Concept Car
After spending decades as a collection of parts stuffed into wooden crates – the F-88 was reassembled.
In 1954 – the F-88 was a Motorama “Dream Car” and was one of only two – or an unconfirmed possible three ever created. The F-88 seen here is literally the only car left of its kind – and was sold to John and Maureen Hendricks at the prestigious Barrett-Jackson Auto Auction in Scottsdale, Arizona for an unbelievable $3,240,000. This acquisition made automotive history and is the “cornerstone” of the Gateway Colorado Automobile Museum in its own special room in a rotating display worthy of the F-88!
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The PERFECT HUSBAND
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2009 models.. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "£90,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £950,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of£900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's really a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.
He turns and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet. Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me". Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet". ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -- Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ". Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody thing up. ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -- Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. "No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!" ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road. Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road. Cop says "For gods sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!" ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---- An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?" He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks. "Here boy" he replies. ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---- Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "What the hell you doing?" he asks. "Hangin’ meself" Paddy replies. "It should be around your neck" says the Guard. "I tried dat" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe". …………… ………….. ……………….
OLD people have problems that you haven't
even considered yet!An 85-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow.' The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared
at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried
with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing.' The doctor was shocked!'You asked your neighbor?' The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
Just when you thought you had it all!!
The Japanese are just so far ahead of us!
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Think before you speak...
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...
or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
and asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a bl*w j0b?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...
he knew better. SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with mens balls"THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and
passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case,
the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget..FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon,
my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
"right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's willy last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and
walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at McDonalds for a quick lunch, in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my burger, I smelled something funny,
so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter,
she was clean.
Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No".
I kept thinking
"Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."
Then I said,
"Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their food laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better,
thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan in America laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that,
the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did he have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!Now, didn't that feel good?
Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh!
Three black ladies are getting ready to take a plane
trip for the first time. The first lady said, 'I don't know bout y'awl
but I'm gunna wear me sum hot pink panties beefo I
gets on dat plane.' 'Why you gonna wear dem fo?' the other two asked. The first replied, 'Cause, if dat plane goes down and
I'm out dare laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna
find me first.' The second lady said, 'Well, I'm a-gonna wear me
some floe-esant orange panties.' 'Why you gonna wear dem?' the others asked. The second lady answered, 'Cause if dis hare plane is
goin' down and I be floating butt-up in the oshun, dey
can see me first.' The third lady says, 'Well, I'm not gonna wear any
panties......' 'What? No panties?' the others asked in disbelief. The third lady says, 'Dat's right girlfriends,
you hears me right. I ain't wearin' any panties, cause
if dis plane goes down, honey, dey always look fo da black box first.'
Biker Bar
There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig."Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears."Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying.""This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure.
I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.
When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance.
I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me.""So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all,
I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve, then you show up and drink the whole thing!
But enough about me, how's your day going?
If you’re like me, you’ve nearly worn out your MacBook’s Control key (often labeled Ctrl), using it to open contextual menus. It’s true that Controlclicking on anything from a Finder icon to a window’s title is an amazingly handy way to access a pop-up menu of targeted options. But you can also add Control to common key combinations for variations on the original functions.
If you set your Finder preferences (Finder Preferences) to Always Open Folders In A New Window, each double-click on a folder will open a new window, cluttering even a big screen in short order. With the option unchecked (as it is by default), a double-clicked folder shows its content in the current window (replacing whatever was displayed in the window before). This is the better default setup because it cuts down on clutter. You can always 1.double-click on a folder whenever you want to see its contents in a new window.
But what about us keyboard junkies? I select a folder by typing, and open it by pressing ⌘-O or ⌘-Down Arrow. I’d have to reach for the mouse to use the 1â€"double-click method. So when I want to open a folder in a new window, I add the Control key: ⌘-Control-O or ⌘-Control-Down Arrow opens a folder into a new window.
Note that the Control key effectively reverses your preference setting. If you use the Always Open Folders In A New Window option, a 1â€"double-click or ⌘-Control-O will display the folder’s contents in the current window instead.
When you’re looking at the contents of a folder in the Finder, pressing ⌘-Up Arrow opens the enclosing, or “parent,†folder. So, for instance, if you’re in a subfolder in your Documents folder, you can easily move up to the Documents folder and see its other subfolders. With the preferred Finder preference setting of Always Open Folders In A New Window unchecked, however, moving up in the hierarchy means the contents of your window changes. What if you want that subfolder window to remain open? Add Control to the keyboard command: ⌘-Control-Up Arrow opens a new window for the enclosing folder.
As with the basic ⌘-O for opening a window, the Control key reverses the preference setting. So, if you have Always Open Folders In A New Window selected, ⌘-Control-Up Arrow opens the parent folder in the same window.
You can restart, put to sleep, or shut down your Mac using the commands in the Apple menu, or you can just press Control-Eject to open a Restart/Shutdown dialog box. You can then use a single key to choose: R for Restart; S for Sleep; C (or Esc, or ⌘-period [.]) for Cancel; or Return/Enter for Shut Down (see “Shutdown Shortcutâ€).
Your Spotlight menu is open, showing hits for your search term, but you’re tired of its including, say, five e-mail messages, which limits the number of documents it can list. Changing the Search Results parameters requires a trip to Spotlight Preferences, and there’s a quick way to get there. When the menu is open with anything listed in it (that is, when more than just the Search field is showing), press Control-Down Arrow to select the last itemâ€"Spotlight Preferencesâ€"and then press Return. Control-Up Arrow always selects the first item, Show All, which opens a Finder window with the search results in it.
Beware: The Control key plus arrow keys are also default shortcuts for moving around in Spaces. If you’ve enabled Spaces and left these shortcuts active, they’ll take precedence over the Spotlight menu shortcuts.
THIS IS WHY WITNESSES ARE ONLY 50% ACCURATE!!!!!!!!!!
OFFICER THE LIGHT WAS GREEN NOT PINK
If your brain works normally this is neat.
This is another example of an amazing illusion!!! The last sentence is so true. If your eyes follow the movement of the rotating pink dot, the dots will remain only one color, pink.However if you stare at the black '+ ' in the center, the moving dot turns to green.
Now, concentrate on the black ' + ' in the center of the picture. After a short period, all the pink dots will slowly disappear, and you will see only a single green dot rotating. It's amazing how our brain works. There really is no green dot, and the pink ones really don't disappear. This should be proof enough, we don't always see what we think we see.
Send this to all of your friends and amaze them.
Heart Attacks And Hot Water
A very good article which takes two minutes to read.
I'm sending this to persons I care about........I hope you do too!!!Heart Attacks And Drinking Warm Water
This is a very good article. Not only about the warm water after your meal, but aboutHeart Attacks. The Chinese and Japanese drink hot tea with their meals, not cold water, maybe it is time we adopt their drinking habit while eating.
For those who like to drink cold water, this article is applicable to you. It is nice to have a cup of cold drink after a meal. However, the cold water will solidify the oily stuff that you have just consumed. It will slow down the digestion. Once this 'sludge' reacts with the acid, it will break down and be absorbed by the intestine faster than the solid food. It will line the intestine. Very soon, this will turn into fats and lead to cancer. It is best to drink hot soup or warm water after a meal. Common Symptoms Of Heart Attack...
A serious note about heart attacks - You should know that not every heart attack symptom is going to be the left arm hurting . Be aware of intense pain in the jaw line. You may never have the first chest pain during the course of a heart attack. Nausea and intense sweating are also common symptoms. 60% of people who have a heart attack while they are asleep do not wake up. Pain in the jaw can wake you from a sound sleep. Let's be careful and be aware. The more we know, the better chance we could survive.
A cardiologist says if everyone who reads this message sends it to 10 people, you can be sure that we'll save at least one life. Read this & Send to a friend. It could save a life... So, please be a true friend and send this article to all your friends you care about.
I JUST DID
A Good Question............
A young Arab boy says to his father:
'May I ask you a question father?
'Of course' replies his father.
'What is that strange thing you wear on your head?'
'It's a shemagh, it protects your head from the hot sun when you're in the desert.'
'I see, and what's the robe you wear?'
'That's a burnoos, it protects your body from the hot sun when you're in the desert.'
'Ah, I understand, and what are those shoes for?''They are called babouches, to stop your feet being burnt on the hot desert sand. Do you have any more questions?'
'Only one father....... why do you wear them when we are living in Melbourne ?'
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