*I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
*When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.
*Inertia accounts for two-thirds of marriages. But love accounts for the other third.
*I asked the girl if she could bring a sister for me. She did. Sister Maria Teresa. It was a very slow evening. We discussed the New Testament. We agreed that He was very well adjusted for an only child.
*What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
*I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.
*I am an only child. I have one sister.
*I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
*I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy. (Clown Prince of American Humor, 1975)
*When the Academy called, I panicked. I thought they might want their Oscars back and the pawn shop has been out of business for awhile. (at the 2002 Oscars)
*In Beverly Hills...they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
*I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
*If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.
*How can I believe in God when only last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
*As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
*Eighty percent of success is showing up.
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