Something to offend everyone
I'm not normally suspicious but the wife told me yesterday that Gavin from Autoglass came round and injected that special resin into her crack......................she hasn't even got a car!! I hate crushing pills up and putting them in my Aunt’s dinner. I feel sneaky, but if I ever got her pregnant I wouldn't be able to forgive myself.
A little girl walks into her parents' bedroom..
" Holy F**k" she screams "And YOU want ME to see a doctor about sucking my thumb...!! bWee Irish boy crying by the side of the road.
A man asks "What's wrong?"
Boy says "Me Ma is dead"
"Oh bejaysus" the man says "Do you want me to get Father O'Riley ?"
Wee boy replies"No thanks Mister, sex is the last ting on me moind roight now.." *** Once upon a time a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" . The girl said "No" and she lived happily ever after. She went shopping, drank vodka with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had a wardrobe full of shoes and bags, stayed skinny and was never farted upon. The End. Just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people of the world. Told them to " F**k Off". Anyone who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!! Japanese scientists have now created a digital camera with such a fast speed that it's now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her gob shut. Turned on my SatNav and it said 'Bear Left' and there was the zoo. How good is that? I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the train or bus and think " I'm f**king having that!" Man lost in a hot air balloon over Ireland . He looks down and sees a farmer and shouts to him, "Where am I?"
The Irish farmer looks up and shouts back "You can't kid me ya b'stard, you're in that feckin basket!" Paddy is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He dials 999.
Paddy says "It's my wife, I've accidentally shot her. I've killed her"
Operator "Please calm down sir.. Can you first make sure she really is dead?"
CLICK,BANG
Paddy "OK, done that, what next?
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Turned on my SatNav and it said 'Bear Left' and there was the zoo. How good is that? Read More…
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. Read more…
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
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I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt
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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..
- Mark Twain
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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
- George Burns
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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield
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Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery
- Spike Milligan
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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
- Joe Namath
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I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..
- W. C. Fields
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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers
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Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..
- Phyllis Diller
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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal
And the cardiologist' s diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.
May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and may nothing but happiness come through your door.
Monday, November 15, 2010
The Cork
The Cork
Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room, taking a shower after their bomb making class in Melbourne , when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his bum!
If you don't mind my asking said the second, 'That cork looks uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?''I regret I cannot', lamented the first Arab. 'It is permanently stuck in my bum.' 'I do not understand,' said the other.
The first Arab says, 'I was walking along Russell Street , and tripped over an oil lamp.There was a puff of smoke and a huge old man in an Australian Flag attire, with a white beard and Akubra hat came boiling out.
He said, 'I am Captain Aussie, the Genie. I can grant you one wish.'
I said, 'No shit?'
God Bless Australia
Sunday, November 14, 2010
The Emma Maersk, part of a Danish shipping line, is shown in the photos below.
Note the editorial under the last picture. It says it all!
The Emma Maersk, part of a Danish shipping line,
is shown in the photos below.
What a ship. No wonder 'Made in China ' is displacing North American and Australian made goods big time.
This monster transports goods across the Pacific in about 5 days!!!
This is how Wal-Mart, K-Mart, Woolworths etc. gets it's stuff from China . 15,000 containers and a 207' deck beam!
The crew-size: 13 people on a ship longer than a US aircraft carrier (which has a crew of 5,000).
Notice that 207' beam means it cannot fit through the Panama or Suez Canals ...
It is strictly transpacific. Cruise speed: 31 knots.
The goods arrive 4 days before the typical container ship (18-20 knots) on a China -to- California run. So this behemoth is hugely competitive when carrying perishable goods.
The ship was built in five sections. The sections were floated together and then welded.
The command bridge is higher than a 10-story building and has 11 cargo crane rigs that can operate simultaneously.
Additional info:
Country of origin - Denmark
Length - 1,302 ft
Width - 207 ft
Net cargo - 123,200 tons
Engine - 14 cylinders in-line diesel engine (110,000 BHP)
Cruise Speed - 31 knots
Cargo capacity - 15,000 TEU (1 TEU = 20 cubic feet)
Crew - 13 people !
First Trip - Sept. 08, 2006
Construction cost - US $145,000,000+
Silicone painting applied to the ships bottom reduces water resistance
and saves 317,000 gallons of diesel per year.
Editorial Comment
A recent documentary in late March on the History Channel noted that nearly
all of these containers are shipped back to China , EMPTY.. Yep, that's right. We send nothing back on most of these ships. What does that tell you about the current financial state of our country? Just keep buying those imported goods (mostly gadgets) until you run out of money. Then you may wonder what the cause of unemployment is in the U.S.A., Canada and Australia might be????
(maybe even your job)
'Nuff said ?
The Challenge? - DON'T SMILE! (cute pics)
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