Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called a wedding cake

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.
I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...
but she did.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.

Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."
"NO way!" says Mick
"have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead"
The operator says how do you know?
He says "The  sex is the same but the ironing is building up!

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest tool she had ever laid
her hands on.
I said "You're pulling my leg"

I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.
At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

What’s the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One’s a superhero and the other is an instruction.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you are reincarnated but must come back as a
different creature.
She said "I would like to come back as a cow." I said "you're obviously not  listening."

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten.
It's called a wedding cake.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

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