andjoh's email: May 2011

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Penguins !! What happens to dead penguins?

I never knew this.

Penguins



Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins

On the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic

Bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will

Mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of

Compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members

Of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes

In the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is

Deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle

Around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow"

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

"Then they kick him in the ice hole."


You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

It's so easy to fool OLD people.

I am sorry, the devil made me do it!!!

I fell for it too.

Posted via email from blog.andjoh

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called a wedding cake

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
Sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.
I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...
but she did.
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.
Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."
"NO way!" says Mick
"have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead"
The operator says how do you know?
He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest tool she had ever laid
her hands on.
I said "You're pulling my leg"

I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.
At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.
What’s the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One’s a superhero and the other is an instruction.
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you are reincarnated but must come back as a
different creature.
She said "I would like to come back as a cow." I said "you're obviously not listening."
Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten.
It's called a wedding cake.
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Posted via email from blog.andjoh

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

WESTPAC Bank - This is Brilliant !!! Over Due fees apply to the deceased

Note to self: 'Cancel credit cards prior to death!
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die!
This is so priceless and so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it is today!
A lady died this past January, and WESTPAC bank billed her for February and
March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and
Then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had
Been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.
A family member placed a call to the WESTPAC Bank:
Family Member:
'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.'
WESTPAC:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member:
'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'
WESTPAC:
'Since it is two months past due, it already has been..'
Family Member:
So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'
WESTPAC:
'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to
The credit bureau, maybe both!'
Family Member:
'Do you think God will be mad at her?'
WESTPAC:
'Excuse me?'
Family Member:
'Did you just get what I was telling you . . . The part about her
Being dead?'
WESTPAC:
'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member:
'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'
WESTPAC:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member:
'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'
WESTPAC:
(Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'
Family Member:
'No, I'm her great nephew.'
(Lawyer info given)
WESTPAC:
'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'
Family Member:
'Sure.'
( fax number is given )
After they get the fax:
WESTPAC:
'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I
Can do to help.'
Family Member:
'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing
Her. I don't think she will care.'
WESTPAC :
'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'
Family Member:
'Would you like her new billing address?'
WESTPAC:
'That might help.'
Family Member:
' Rookwood Memorial Cemetery , 1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney Plot Number
1049.'
WESTPAC:
'Sir, that's a cemetery!'
Family Member:
'Well, what do you do with dead people on your planet?'.............
 