John Howard, Barack Obama and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil
tells them it is for calling back to Earth.Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 15 minutes. When he is finished the
devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes a
cheque.
Obama calls the US and talks for an hour. When he is finished the devil
informs him that the cost is 4 million dollars, so he writes a cheque.Finally John Howard gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is
finished the devil informs him that the cost is 20 cents. Howard just
smiles.
Obama and Putin go ballistic, and ask the devil why Howard got to call
Australia for only 20 cents??The devil smiles and replies:
"Since Julia Gillard took over, the whole country has gone to hell. It's a
local call."
Saturday, August 13, 2011
best funny OF 2011 SO FAR (Australia Political Joke)
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Be Warned - completely bad taste ... but @#$%^* funny
- I just had a bloke at the door asking if I wanted to buy raffle tickets for black orphans. I told him with my luck - I'd probably win one.
- Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Northam Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."
- My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a wank.I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year. You want to stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
- Question - are there too many immigrants in Britain? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."
- Prince William says he doesn't want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding. Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a toss, he's still going.
- The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!
- Today, in an opinion poll, I was asked 'If you could eliminate a race from the 2012 Olympics, which would it be?' I said 'Niggers and Asians'. Apparently most people said the 10,000 metres!!
- Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of White-out. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.
- Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs back.
- Some Japanese tourists just asked me to take a picture of them. When I said "Wave" they ran like the clappers!
Hey!! I just pass 'em along!
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Onion Theory. A bit long but worth a read
I heard this story from my hairdresser: she said that several years ago, many of her employees were coming down with the flu and also many of her customers. The next year she placed several bowls with onions around in her shop and, to her surprise, none of her staff got sick (and no, she is not in the onion business).So the sensible answer would seem to be, buy some onions and place them in bowls around your home. If you work at a desk, place one or two in your office (under your desk or even a windowsill). Try it and see what happens. We did it last year and none of us contracted the flu. if this helps you and your loved ones from getting sick, all the better. If you do get the flu, it just might be a mild case..Whatever, what have you to lose? Just a few pennies on onions!!Now there is a P.S. to this, for I sent it to a friend in Oregon who regularly contributes material to me on health issues. She replied with this most interesting experience about onions: "Thanks for the reminder. I don't know about the farmers story, but I do remember that I contracted pneumonia and,needless to say, I was very ill. I came across an article that said to cut both ends off an onion, put one end on a fork and then place the forked end into an empty jar, placing the jar next to the sick patient at night. It said the onion would be black in the morning from the germs.Sure enough, it happened just like that.. the onion was a mess and I began to feel better.Here is another point: LEFT OVER ONIONS ARE POISONOUS!!Apparently onions are a huge magnet for bacteria, especially uncooked onions. You should never plan to keep a portion of a sliced onion and he says it's not even safe if you put it in a zip-lock bag and put it in your refrigerator,It's already contaminated enough just by being cut open and exposed to the air for a while and can be a real danger to you (and doubly watch out for those onions you have put in your hotdogs and burgers at the vendors!).
Ed says that if you take the leftover onion and cook it like crazy you'll probably be OK, but if you slice that leftover onion and put it on your sandwich, then you're asking for trouble.
The green thing
In the line at the store, the cashier told an older woman that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment. The woman apologized to him and explained, "We didn't have the green thing back in my day."The clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment." He was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled,so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. But we didn't have the green thing back in our day. We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a
300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks. But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry the clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that old lady is right; we didn't have the green thing back in our day. Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana.In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used a wadded up old newspaper to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she's right; we didn't have the green thing back then.We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water.We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull. But we didn't have the green thing back then.Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service.
.We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint. But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the green thi ng back then?Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smartass young person.
The Green thing
Saucy old postcards-
Mr. Wallace, aged 63, bought the firm Bamforth & Co nine years ago and now owns the rights to more than 50,000 of the postcard images with their pneumatic women, henpecked husbands and voluptuous nurses.In 1870 James Bamforth began his business in Holmfirth, near Huddersfield, West Yorkshire - a village now most famous for being the setting of the long running BBC comedy Last Of The Summer Wine.
He was a portrait photographer who later specialized in lantern slides. But it was the saucy postcards, launched in 1910, which sealed his firm`s reputation.
Mr. Wallace said: "They always look good and they always make people smile.
"Maybe they`re not to everyone's taste but if you can`t laugh at Bamforth postcards what can you laugh at?
"They are classic images which have really stood the test of time."
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